I Miss Christmas

Truth be told I struggle during the holidays and the last couple of months of the year. I never used to feel this way, but slowly, almost like a cancer, a feeling of apathy with its own heaviness appears to be growing and often overshadows “the season”. Sometimes it seems as if the songs, and the decorations, and all the revelry conspire in some grand scheme to mock my battle of indifference to keep it all at arm’s length.

It’s only recently that I’ve found myself sitting, remembering with tears in my eyes, the ways things used to be. Oh, I get that everything changes, and in many ways, that’s as it should be, but there are some wounds, some pains, that time just can’t seem to heal. For me, some of those wounds simply get exacerbated and intensified by the holidays, never getting the chance to heal before the next year comes strolling along.

As I’ve sat and struggled with and thought about my feelings, why I feel the way I feel, what’s happened to get me to the place where I am, I’ve begun to realize that it’s not the holidays and Christmas per se that I struggle with, but rather the loss that they all too vividly remind me of.

No, the truth is that I’m not in a place where I want to forget Christmas, although there are times when I feel that I’d be perfectly fine left alone to honor the holiday in my own way (sounds a little bit Scrooge-ish huh?), but the truth is I don’t “hate” Christmas or even “dislike” it, I just miss it.

I miss my Mom and Dad and their infectious excitement about the holiday – I miss looking for a real tree in a lot lit up by strings of white lights, in the cold and snow – I miss my Dad having to pick out fifteen or twenty trees and having to turn them endlessly to find just the right one – I miss coming home after tree hunting and having hot chocolate to take the chill off, and getting my nice warm slippers on – I miss tree decorating being a family “event” that other things got planned around – I miss the fun of unwrapping each ornament, many of which were handmade, and remembering the story behind each one – I miss the smell of a real Christmas tree and having to water it every day, even though it’s suspected that some sort of mold spore found on the real trees was responsible for triggering my sinus infection (a very small price to pay) – I miss Christmas caroling door-to-door and having people come to their doors to listen and smile, and sometimes even giving us cookies and other Christmas treats – I miss snow at Christmas (after all how is Santa supposed to get around?) – I miss Johnny Mathis, Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole Christmas albums being played on the Victrola (that was a big cabinet, usually with a sliding top, that housed the stereo system / record player – record what? yeah, never mind) – I miss baking tons of Christmas cookies with my Mom and eating them with my Dad – I miss Dad setting up a skiing scene on top of the Victrola using the Encyclopedia Britannica covered with a sheet as the snow-covered mountain, and a piece of aluminum foil as the pond for the skating figures below – I miss setting up the electric trains around the Christmas tree – I miss homemade gifts (that sometimes had to be started in July, and that my Mom and Dad sometimes started in January) that ranged from angel chimes made from inverted clay pots, to hand-quilted Christmas tree skirts and wreaths, to baskets of homemade jams and pickles complete with crocheted Mr. and Mrs. Snowman for the baskets center – I miss the excitement of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning – I miss driving around the various neighborhoods looking at all the lights and outdoor decorations – I miss decorating every room in the house (yep, even the bathrooms got in on the act) – I miss the boxes and boxes of Christmas decorations, a lot of which were homemade, and finding just the right spot for each one – I miss making fruitcake with my Mom (yeah, I’m one of “them” – I love fruitcake, but especially my Mom’s that we made months before hand and then wrapped in cheesecloth soaked in Crème de Cacao (I defy anyone to eat this culinary masterpiece and then tell me they hate fruitcake) – I miss all of the different smells (the tree, the candles, the cookies, the food – pure heaven) – I miss making wrapping presents an event instead of just shoving things in bags – I miss the excitement and surprise watching everyone opening their gifts – I miss big family Christmas dinners, even the card table that got set up for the kids – I miss reading “The Night Before Christmas” – I miss everyone getting together to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and the 1951 black and white version of “A Christmas Carol” with Alastair Sim as Scrooge – I miss watching all the old Christmas specials on television – I miss hiding presents and looking for those that were hidden – I miss the smell of Christmas dinner (Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding (apologies to my vegetarian and vegan friends) – I miss everyone getting dressed for Christmas dinner – I miss raiding the pickle dish before Christmas dinner – I miss Mom’s big breakfast Christmas morning after presents were opened – I miss taking pictures Christmas morning while everyone proudly showed what they got – I miss the Christmas season starting AFTER Thanksgiving as opposed to July or August like it does now – I miss my Dad locking himself away in his room, affectionately referred to as “Santa’s Workshop”, to work on his own handmade gifts – I miss all of us occasionally traveling to Florida to spend Christmas with my Grandparents and Aunt and Uncle and cousins and being able to swim outside on Christmas day – I miss Christmas cards – I miss all the little things about the holiday – I miss the wonder – I miss setting up the Christmas manger and reading the Christmas story from the Bible – I miss the way my Mom and Dad always made sure that we remembered that Christmas was about the birth of Jesus – I MISS CHRISTMAS.

I know that I could try to resurrect a lot of these remembrances and traditions, but the truth is times and things have changed dramatically, some for the better and some not so much. Family doesn’t mean what it did decades, even years ago.

Things have indeed changed; the ranks of family are getting thinner and thinner now, and those that are left have their own agendas and ideas about how things should be and where people belong come Christmas Day. Today there is illness to contend with, children to think about, and thanks to divorce and a different way of living, there are multiple families to be considered.

I miss Christmas, but I am forever thankful for the memories I have and the things I miss because to miss something you had to of had it in the first place, and that’s more than a lot of people have ever had.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.